I'm sure some of you will know what I mean. Sometimes things go on in your life, painful, hurtful things that cause you to react in different ways. Those of you that know me know that late last summer was a pretty rough time for me. Back then, there were two places I could find safety. One was in the middle of my very big bed and the other was to sink myself deep into my training. We call that "going into the cave". Since insomnia was an issue, I only found myself in bed for around 4 hours a night. That left plenty of time for running.
I thought if I sunk myself deep into my training, if I pushed myself hard, it would distract me from the pain, buy me some time. The plan was to train as hard as I could then come race day in NYC I was going to lay it all on the table, push as hard as I could. It was going to hurt. I knew that. It would hurt like hell and in the end I would have won. A cathartic cleansing. And from the ashes I would rise again, like the Phoenix, and learn to live again. That day did not come and as I reached the top of one of the hills I ran today I stood there with my face to the wind and realized it was still in me, trapped like the most guttural of primal screams.
The running. I will learn to love that again and do it for all the right reasons this time. As for the scream, I only hope that the person that can help me the most is there for me when it comes out.
-ciao
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